Wednesday, October 10, 2007

Halloween Limericks (All but one fairly clean)

Wanda the witch, on her broom
swept through the town yelling "ZOOM!"
through a perchance of luck
never heard the big truck
and she zoomed on her broom to her doom

Dracula wailed to the sky
"My job really sucks" was his cry
"bloody paychecks
and I'm so sick of necks
what I'd like is a nice apple pie!"

Yesterday I met a priest
he was sitting enjoying a feast
when I questioned his conscience
he said "stuff and nonsense"
and gave me the sign of the beast

folks who hate folks make me grin
they're such lovely people within
we don't need walpurgis
the truth it should urge us
we're all skeletons, covered with skin

A saucy young ghoul from West End
Got her demonic beau to unbend.
When he gave her a ring,
She started to sing
That "Demons are a ghoul's best friend."

The essence of Samhain remains
Where old Herne with his antlers still reigns,
Where unhallowed desires
Are raised ‘round the bone fires
And wild dancing unravels life’s skeins.

A fastidious, mannerly ghost
Mourned the flop of his elegant toast,
“The ladies all swoon
When I enter the room!
That’s not covered in Emily Post!”

A count with a vampiric vice
Thought each victim's ignorance nice.
"They're misled about biters
By actors and writers
Like Stoker, Lugosi, and Rice."

Said an old zombie named Ichabod,
Tossing out of his grave a large clod,
“I’m so tired of creeping!
I’d rather be sleeping!”
Then he lay down and pulled up the sod.

The night psychos wander the street
Looking for victims to eat
I won't sit at home
I'll be on the roam
And smile as I say trick or treat

There once was a big zombie named Fred.
And he was, unquestionably, dead.
This was made ever worse,
When he ran from his hearse.
As poor Fred left the hearse with no Head.

Charlie Brown was a little boy,
He was so nervous, and quite coy,
He pranced in the patch,
Of pumpkins it hatched,
The great pumpkin he did destroy.

When pumpkins are bloated and ripe
They get slit with a razor sharp knife
With carved scary faces
They watch all the chases
Of children on Halloween night

One night I encountered a crow
As the moon cast its eerie glow
This Watcher of Dead
To me bent his head
And to me my fate did bestow

A really old vampire named “Tex”
Is “out for blood” and I suspect
He’s not a nice guy
If he catches your eye
It’s you who will likely be necks

On Halloween I went to school
Without dressing up like a ghoul
The people all laughed
And I thought them daft
My mirror showed a naked fool

The famous Egyptian King Tut
Had a fabulous musical butt
“But some people thinks
My music, it sphynx
I blow toots uncommon, so what?”


Here are a couple of racier ones.

I'm sorry, I know it's my fault
my Halloween sins I should halt
but the neighbours' kids here
pissed me off for a year
so I laced all their candy with salt!

A witch and a warlock had sex
she went to the doc for some checks
the doc said "Oh dear,
it is herpes, I fear"
and she mixed up a hell of a hex!


1 comment:

nothingbutlimericks said...

Said a Bat to an Owl in an oak-
"This Halloween Night is a joak!"
And that wise-looking bird
Replied: "Yes, it's absird,
I was thinking so when I awoak."